This isn't meant as advice. I'm only sharing my personal story. I found what works for us but I know this won't be relevant or appropriate for every family. We all have to do what works for our own situations. Also I'm not a writer so mock any grammatical errors behind my back please. :)
The back story:
No one in my family of 6 seems to enjoy the same meal. My husband has a lot of texture aversions but craves spicy food. My oldest kiddo B (now 17) only eats cereal, chicken, pizza and ramen. Kiki likes more things than West but she's "picky" and not OK with her food mixing or touching. Bear likes the most variety out of all the kids; he's more open to trying foods but he cannot handle anything spicy, not even a hint of spice. And then there's me: I love everything except fresh tomatoes. And I'm vegetarian with some food sensitivities.
I have always taken an interest in nutrition and health and planned to impart all that goodness to my children. "Healthy" eating and living
My oldest was my "first" exposure to selective eating. I'll be honest, I thought it was because he was spoiled. I didn't know about sensory disorders when he was younger (I've been his mom since he was 6). I tried to feed him differently. I tried all those clever ways to sneak foods into his diet. We had stern talks with doctors. There was always a concern over his weight and growth (which I now understand has very little to do with what he's eaten over his life. He's simply genetically predisposed to his shorter, slim stature.) I was sure if I begged, bribed, guilted him into eating that he'd eventually eat and wouldn't things be SO much better that way? I had no idea that it wasn't that he wouldn't; it was that he COULDN'T.
Fast forward a few years and I have West. He started out eating such a variety of foods. At 6 months old I fed him vegetables first, then fruits, just like the books say to do. I was so proud of myself! He was such a "good eater"! By 12 months, he ate my enchiladas, soups, vegetables, all the things I cooked for him. Well, for about 3 months anyways. Between the ages of 1-2, his food preferences started to show. He rejected foods he'd always eaten, nearly by the day. I would call my mom, my sister, talk to friends, tearfully explaining that I had done it *right* and couldn't understand why he wasn't eating the pears and broccoli he ate 2 days ago. My pediatrician told me it was normal, to just keep offering a variety of foods and he'd come back around.
He never did.
By the time he was 2, It was clear that he had a Sensory Processing Disorder (and later Asperger's). He is both oral sensory seeking and avoiding. He has a very sensitive olfactory system. He only ate a few foods prepared a certain way. Kiki was a baby and I didn't have the energy to fight for all those nutritious meals I'd made in the past. I fed him what I could get him to eat and figured we could "fix" it later.
Flash forward to 4 years old and still only eating a handful of foods. Clearly not having learned from my oldest, I tried all my old tricks to get him to eat. No dice. I asked for help from our OT for feeding therapy. She warned me that it might never work, that success might be just being in the same room with the "offending" food. The best (and only) thing that came out of that is he learned to chew gum. Only bubble gum, only Trident brand, but he learned to chew gum!
Once I spent an hour convincing West to lick a piece of pizza. He cried and cried and was so scared of trying it. I thought for sure once he did he would "see the light" and we would have a "new" food to add to the list! All he learned was that trying new things is scary and mom has her knickers in a twist about food. Neither of these things are values I want to impart to my children!
There was a turning point meal; no one would eat and I was yelling and no one wanted to be together. I was scraping food into the trash and just sobbing. I felt like a failure. I sat on my kitchen floor and cried. I was angry and sad and disappointed. This isn't what I wanted for my family! This isn't the mother I wanted to be!
We all have these pictures and ideas of what being a good parent looks like before we have our kids. For me, part of being a *good* mother was preparing nutritious whole foods for my children. The image I had in my head was our family around the table full of food that was good and good for us. With smiles and laughter, candles and good conversation. My life didn't reflect this in the slightest!
So I closed my eyes and imagined my perfect meal scenario. The one with the good food, smiles, the laughter, the candles and good conversation. Then I replaced the food on the table. I visualized everyone's food preferences on a plate in front of them. West had oatmeal, my oldest and my hubby had pizza. I put Kiki's divided plate in front of her.
What I realized is that all the things that made it special and important to me were really still there. The smiles, the laughter, the candles and good conversation. It didn't matter WHAT we were eating it was HOW we were eating! This was a mind blowing moment for me.
When the food rejections came, it wasn't just about food. It felt like my ideals, my dreams for being a *good* mom were being rejected. They were rejecting ME. At least, that's how it felt. So, here's me, jumping up and down waving my arms and my platefuls of food and my ideals in their faces practically begging for acceptance. LOVE ME! ACCEPT ME!
Worse, my kids felt the same way! I wasn't giving them the very thing I was so desperate to have! I wasn't giving them unconditional acceptance. So here we are, a house full of people who just want to be loved for who they are.
I had to make a choice. Teaching my kids to love and honor WHO THEY ARE was more important to me than teaching them to eat the food I wanted them to eat.
The light bulb came on! My children aren't rejecting me, they are being who they are neurologically hardwired to be. They're not being manipulative, they're not spoiled. They haven't been deprived of *good* food.
My perspective changed. I had to LET GO of my ideals and re-assess my priorities.
First thing I did was cut myself some damn slack. If my kids don't eat kale and broccoli and bell peppers, they WILL be OK and I WILL still be a good mom. There is more to nurture in a child than a love of dark leafy greens.
I make separate meals. I do not carry guilt about this. Yes, it is more work, physically. My kids have each found at least one fruit, vegetable, protein and starch that they can eat. I try to make these things cross over whenever possible. For example, I have one kid who likes apples, one who loves berries and one who likes bananas. I can separate those things out for each kid, then heap them all together for fruit salad for me.
I changed the way I talk about food. I had to change my script, replace the negative phrases of my past. (i.e. "if you don't eat _____ then _____ will happen!) For example, I'm trying to teach them about the nutritional value of foods. I casually mention things like, "It's great that the cottage cheese you're eating is full of protein and fats! We need that for healthy brain cells. What a good choice!" I keep it really positive and encouraging.
Sometimes we eat together. Sometimes not. Actually, I've learned that I would rather feed them their meals first and sit with them (and have a cup of tea or glass of wine!) and then eat my food. We have "compromise meals" where there's something out of the meal that makes everyone happy. For us, getting Teriyaki is one of those meals. The younger kids all like steamed rice. My husband gets his spicy fix, my oldest eats chicken. I nosh on veggies and tofu. Success!
We talk about organic growing practices and where food comes from. We garden together. West loves to pull carrots and dig potatoes...even though he doesn't eat them! If he can handle the smells, I try to involve him in food prep and cooking. Doesn't matter if he eats it. My job is to expose him to it.
With West, (and all the kids; heck, hubby too!) if he wants to try something new, there's no pressure. I keep it really similar to something he already likes. It's much better if we have success! Trying a new food doesn't mean he'll add it to his regular diet anyways. Why not build up our success rate? For example, he really likes bread. So I made soft pretzels. Took a few months of smelling it, pressing it to his lips, helping to twist the pretzel dough, etc. Recently he decided he wanted to try it....SURPRISE! He loves soft pretzels! We had soft pretzels for lunch and dinner. And again for breakfast the next day. Ahem.
And instead of stressing about the foods they don't eat, I started celebrating the ones that they do! West loves oatmeal. My sister started calling it his "famous" oatmeal. I taught him how to make it and he tells everyone about how to make his recipe for oatmeal. I'm trying to help him take pride in who he is and what he likes.
I'll admit, I still sneak my favorite green juice into their smoothies when no one is looking. I make "pumpkin" bread with sweet potato puree. I've been known to hide ground flax seed in oatmeal. I still try to find ways to incorporate healthier foods into what they eat. Sometimes it backfires. Ask my kids about the time mom made "green" spaghetti sauce...
